Here Comes Goodbye...

I believe the title of this blog says it all...

A few days ago, dad was in a lot of pain and his stomach was very swollen and filled with fluid. He wasn't able to keep anything down... not even water...
After a full night of him vomiting every hour, he finally decided to allow us to take him to the hospital.

They admitted him at M.D. Anderson two days ago. The fluid was stomach acid and blood... causing him horrible acid reflux which then caused him to vomit... my poor daddy. The doctors and nurses have all been wonderful... they inserted at tube up his nose and down his throat, all the way to his stomach to drain out all the fluid. All he's been able to eat/drink is ice chips (and he loves it). The tube has really helped a lot, he is no pain and very comfortable... except for the tube in his throat.

So... we received word that daddy is fading quickly... its only a matter of a couple weeks now... IF we're lucky. He's ok... he's at peace with it, but me and my family on the other hand are a different story. I am so angry and upset with God right now (i know i shouldn't be), for taking my daddy too early!!! There is still so much for him to see... for him to experience. Its not fair. I don't understand... This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do... to say goodbye to my daddy... to watch my mother loose the love of her life... to not hear Beatles music on Saturday mornings... to not see him dancing and being silly... to not see him....

What am I suppose to do? I don't mean to be selfish... I don't want him to suffer anymore. His poor body has suffered enough. He deserves to be at peace... but I don't know how to say goodbye. I am not prepared for the time to come...

I want to thank all of you who read my blog and keep updated on my daddy and for your prayers and support... My family and I want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts... We love you all so much. And directly from my dad ... "thank you".

For those of you who didn't have the privilege of knowing my father... he is an AMAZING man, husband, son, brother, father and Marine. He is the best man I know... he is my hero... he is the person I look up to the most in this entire world... he's my daddy.

Even though his battle is coming to an end... we still need all the prayer we can get for this up and coming hard time.

Once again... thank you all so much from the bottom of our hearts... We love you all...

I will write more as his condition progresses... Please keep reading and keep praying... God Bless you all!

Right now...

At this very moment my daddy is laying in my bed taking a nap... right behind me! haha He likes my bed the most... says its the most comfortable! :)

It seems like he gets worse everyday... I feel so helpless. I'm just sitting here watching him suffer. Its not fair and I dont understand it but I help out as much as I can! He trys to keep his spirits high, but with NO good news, its hard.

He goes to chemo again on friday and then more testing on the 4th. We find out the results from that on the 5th... Keeping our fingers crossed again! We are praying for a miracle... because if this didnt work... we dont know what else there is.

Well anyways... thats the latest... I'll write more later! Keep reading... and please keep praying. God Bless!

Doctors are MORONS!!!!

I just got off the phone with my mom who is at MD Anderson right now with my dad. We just got the results...

Once again... the treatment didnt work... all the tumors grew!!! I hate my life right now!!!

At the moment he is sleeping... and taking chemo through an IV. They put him on a DIFFERENT kind of chemo... Avasten and something else thats suppose to attack the blood supply to the tumors. I swear the doctors are morons!!! Why the HELL didnt they just give him that to start with?!?! Why are they putting him through more pain?! UGH!!!

I just knew that this time would be different... boy was I proved wrong. I have prayed so much that I don't think I know how to pray anymore. Its so frusterating to be so helpless in a situation like this. I love my daddy more than life itself... and I am so very proud of him. He is such a fighter. He told the doctors to give him all they had, he doesn't care what it takes.

I just wish that I had all the answers to my repetitive questions... I know that will never happen though. I understand that God has a reason for everything... and His plan is flawless... and there will be good that comes of mine and my family's suffering...

...but what good can come of watching my father suffer?...

I am scared to my core...

Please keep my family and my daddy in your prayers still. I will write more later when I'm not so emotional... I love you all very much and am very blessed to have you all in my life!

Keep reading... and God Bless...

almost time...

Well guys it's almost time for dad to go back to MD Anderson for most testing! (keeping fingers crossed) He'll go on thursday morning and we'll find out the results on friday.
The last report we recieved was good news... and I'm just praying it stays that way!! If the doctors come back and say that the tumors are continuing to grow... I'm not really sure what the next step will be. I am incredibly nervous... so you can just imagine how my daddy feels.
I want to thank ALL of you who read my blog and pray for my dad and our family! I can't tell you what that means to me!!! You all have a special place in my heart forever.
Thank you for loving me and my family so much!
I will write more on friday when we recieve results... Keep reading... and as always God Bless each and every one of you!!!!!

Church this morning

Well ok, a couple of weeks ago my dad was taken to the hospital because he had an insanely high fever and his oncologist told us to bring him in right away. That something wasnt right. So he gets there and they admit him instantly. His white blood count was up to 22000... NOT normal! A normal white blood count for a healthy man is around 6000. So he stayed in the hospital for about 5 days hooked up to bags and bags of antibiotics.
When he was released the doctor came in and told him that the only way they were going to let him leave was if he promised to go down to MD Anderson the next day and get checked out. So he did. For someone with cancer, the white blood count is naturally going to be high. So they werent too worried about that. While he was at the hospital they did CT scans and sent them over to MD Anderson. We recieved a phone call about a week later and were told that they see no growth in the tumors! That is the first piece of good news we've had since May!!! BUT the scans were a month pre-mature. He wasnt suppose to get checked out until next month. So we're keeping our fingers crossed in hopes that they still dont grow OR , even better, shrink!
They upped his chemo to 4000 mg a day so he is now developing blisters on his feet and hyperpigmentation on his hands. Hes very tired alot of the time and seeing him like this only makes things harder on me.
In church this morning Pastor Mark did a sermon on Psalms 46. WOW how amazing! It brought me back to the place I need to be with the Lord. I have been so angry for so long that I seemed to have forgotten how to walk with Christ. So if youre reading this Pastor Mark... thank you! You spoke to my heart and lifted my spirits.
I can do anything and over come anything through Jesus Christ our Savior!
Sorry this is so lengthy... I had a lot to say! =) Please keep reading... I will write more later! God Bless!

He's such a trooper!

Well as you last read the 2nd round of treatment didnt work and they decided to put him on regular, old fashion chemo. He goes once every two weeks to MD Anderson to recieve the IV and usually also gets a blood transfusion. He also has been taking a form of oral chemo twice a day... yuck! Yesterday was his last day on the oral chemo for a whole week!!! I'm so excited for him! Lord knows he really needs a break!

Hes in high spirits even though he is in so much pain everyday. He is very optomisitc and pushes through everyday despite his weakness. He is still going to work everyday... this came as a shock to his doctor. We all think he needs to stay home and get as much rest as he can, but he says going to work everyday is his way of decompressing and taking his mind off of the fact that he has cancer. I'm very proud of him!

I am still very angry and dont understand why this is happening to my family... but God's plan is perfect and maybe I'm not suppose to understand even though i want to.

Daddy goes back to the doctor in october, until then i will keep you all updated on his condition and spirits! Thank you for all the prayers... we love you all very much!

I'll write more later... keep reading please... God Bless!

When it rains... it pours...

Yesterday my dad went for all his testing! They kept him there from 7 am to 5 pm... poor daddy was SO exhausted last night! Anyways... him and my mom went back to MD Anderson today to receive the results...

Not good... the NEW medication that they put him didn't work. The tumors are quite a bit larger. So now the 3rd option is regular old fashion chemotherapy. He will start that tomorrow morning at 10am. When I found out, I was at work... and of course me being the bag of emotions I am... I lost it. I am trying SOOO hard to be strong for my family, especially my dad, but its so hard when you see your own father, your hero, wasting away in front of your eyes.

A part of me is so incredibly angry at the doctors. WHY didn't they know it wasn't going to work?! we've gone through TWO different kinds of medication and NEITHER one of them helped! WHY the hell didn't they just start with regular chemo?! I don't get it! They're wasting time here! This is my DAD we're talking about! Why don't they care enough!? *sigh*

I have actually prayed all that I can... I don't know how to pray anymore. I am tired... physically and mentally. My mom told me about a scripture that says when you forget how to pray, God takes over. Man I hope that's true! I have completely washed my hands of a situation I, myself, can not control. It eats away at me everyday, but I just have to trust in His will.

Boy, it never seems like I write a happy blog... they're always sad. *sigh* I'm sorry everyone! Thank you ALL SOOOO much for all your prayers up to this point! Please continue your praying... but this time add me to your list so that I may have the strength to deal with what may come. I love you all very much.

I will write more later... Keep reading... and of course as always God Bless!!!

Looking Up

Well daddy will be done with this round of chemo on Wednesday!!! YAY!!! We're very excited about that! This medication makes him very tired... so he can't wait to have a break! He goes back to MD Anderson on August 5th so they can run more tests like CT Scans and bone scans, etc. We should find out the results by the end of that week! We're very anxious to see if this treatment has had ANY sort of effect on the tumors.

If the medication didnt work... then he will have to go to regular chemo and have a stint in his chest. He is not looking forward to that at all so we're keeping our fingers crossed!

On the up side... he is slowly regaining his taste buds and is able to eat more! He has gained 2 lbs! YAY! He still says that a lot of food tastes like the SMELL of a penny... *gag* but its getting easier for him to eat.

I know I complain a lot about this whole situation... but in all reality I thank God for EVERYDAY He gives me with my daddy. It is truely a blessing! All of us are not promised tomorrow, so when you open your eyes in the morning... take a minute and thank God for giving you another day here on earth! I know I do!

Anyways, I will write more later! Keep reading and keep those prayers going! And as always... GOD BLESS!

More bad news... REALLY?!

*sigh* ok... I have been very busy with family being here for the past two weeks, so thats why I havent written in a while! But a few days ago I over heard my mom talking to my Tia (aunt)... the cancer has spread to his pancreas as well! UGH... fml! I just dont understand why they INSIST on hiding things from me?! I am a big girl... I have prepared for this! Why they choose to keep me in the dark about whats happening is beyond me! I understand that my daddy doesnt want me to know how sick he is... but for all emotional reasons I NEED to know!

I need to know how to pray... and not having all the info keeps me from doing that the way I need to! This is my DAD we're talking about here... not just a random person! If, God forbid, something were to happen to him... I need to be able to prepare for it... not be caught off gaurd!

*deep breath*... I just hate being treated like im 3 years old instead of 23. With Maura passing... I really have seen what cancer can do first hand. Her strength and courage is what keeps me going... so with her on my side, I can do anything! I know shes watching over me and my family!

ANYWAYS... wow it had been a while since I've been able to vent like that! Sorry if I've been debbie downer... it just feels good to let go every once in a while! Well... I will write more later. Keep reading and as always... God Bless!!!

Bad News...

So all week my dad had appointments at M.D. Anderson so they could run tests and do CT scans just to see how the Sutent (chemo) was working. Today he went back down there to see his doctor and get the results of all the tests... Bad news... The treatment didnt work at all. His tumor is growing.

So, the doctor decided to put him on another form of medication, which he picks up tomorrow. This medication is brand new, it was just released March 30 of this year. I am having doubts about that... I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Its only been out a few months... how do they know it works at all?!

The clock is ticking and I'm flipping out... PLEASE... EVERYONE pray for my daddy. Not for me, not for my family... for my dad specifically! He is the one that it ill. In the mean time... I am going to continue waking up everyday and reminding myself to put one foot in front of the other. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemies.

I'll post later... Keep reading... and as always... God Bless!

So daddy is feeling better these days. He's off chemo for 2 weeks and is starting to regain his strength! His most hated side effect from the chemo was the way all his food tasted! He said everything either tasted like metal or salt! *gag* But now his taste buds are coming back... slowly, and he was able to eat a FULL meal this morning! Mom and I were very proud of him! Ya know... it's so weird for me to see my dad, my hero, my role model... in this condition. He is the strongest man I know and I have to just sit back and watch him suffer... I wish so much that there was something i could do to take this all away from him. He didn't deserve any of this... but then again God has a plan for everything. So we're taking everything in stride!

Yesterday, I watched as two of my very good friends got married! Congrats to Braxton and Sara Watson! She looked so beautiful and he was just as handsome as ever! The ceremony was wonderful and the reception was so much fun! It was like a SHS c/o 2004 reunion! haha It was so nice to hang out with those people again... As time goes on you seem to forget how your friends are like family! Congrats to all my friends that have gotten married and started their families! I'm sure I will be the last one out of the gate! haha

Anyways... today's fathers day so I'm going to take daddy to the movies! I will write more later! Keep reading... and God Bless!

Today is a good day!

*sigh* My amazing day started late last night with an INCREDIBLE phone conversation!!! (Its a secret for now...) But I was able to wake this morning with a smile on my face and for the first time in about a month... not have to remind myself to breathe! It just came so naturally... finally! Maybe on a later occasion I will share the reason that my heart is practically beating out of my chest... but for now... I'm keeping it to myself!

This morning daddy slept it... which is good, he needs his rest. Lately he hasn't really been eating as much because of all the side effects from his chemo... well this morning we went running around and we stopped for some breakfast... and HE ATE!!! I was so proud of him! He didnt like it, but I think he's starting to realize that inorder to keep his strength up he needs nutrients! So YAY daddy! Today was also his last day of chemo for TWO WEEKS! *sigh* We're so glad that his body gets to rest for a little while! He's exhausted and can't wait for a break! Although after the two weeks is over, he starts another 28 day chemo treatment, and after that... hopefully he'll get to have surgery to remove his right kidney and a piece of his liver that the cancer has infected. We can't wait for that happen! We are keeping hopes high and the prayers flowing!

ALSO, I got to see two of my best friends today! I havent seen them in about a year! Frankie and Lance! Y'all are the best! Thank you so much for coming to visit me and for taking me out to lunch!!! I miss you boys so much and now that I'm back in town will hopefully get to see you all the time!

So all in all... today was a great day! Ya know... you can't help but thank God for days like this. I have a whole renewed faith in Him... and I know that's what's keeping my head up! So I will write more later... But keep reading and God Bless! I love you all!

Hello All:

This is my first blog... so please be patient with me!

On May 7th I was told that my dad has Stage 4 Renal Cell Carcenoma.... the pieces of my stable "put together" life began to crumble. Two days after that I recieve a phone call telling me that one of my best friends, Maura de Souza, only had a few more days to live. She had been struggling with cancer for the past year and her poor kidneys just couldn't take it anymore. She entered the gates of Heaven on May 19th, 2009... my "stable" life was crumbling even faster. Even though I miss her everyday... I know she is with our Lord... in that I take comfort.

As for me... I made the decision to move home to help with taking care of my dad. He is taking chemo and is grows weaker everyday. He tries to make light of the whole situation and tells me "ya know the worst part of all this... all my damn food tastes the same! AND I cant drink beer anymore!" I wish I knew that kind of strength. He is taking this one day at a time and is a CHAMP about everything! I admire him so much... I love my daddy!

When I moved back I decided it was time for my relationship with Casey to end. Things were just not going the way they needed to... and it was the best for both of us!

I miss all my friends SO much! We became like a family and I left a piece of my heart with each one of them! To my arkansas family: I love you all very much and miss you everyday! I'll be home soon!!!

Well anyways... I'll keep posting updates on my life! Keep reading... my life is like a soap opera so you never know whats going to happen! Love you all and God Bless!