So, I thought the days where I cry uncontrolably were over... I guess not. Yesterday was the 5 month mark of my dad's death... when does it get easier? We're moving on with our lives, but then something will trigger it... a song... a picture... a memory... and the heartache starts all over again. I hate this.
Why is it that when people tell me "It will be ok", or "It will get better", I get so angry? I know they're right, but unless they've gone through the hell that I'm living right now, how could they possibly know? Will the anger ever subside? It doesnt seem to be possible.
Its days like these that I want to just crawl under a rock and never come out. Is that selfish? I suppose it is. But there are SO many things happening in my life that I would normally share with my dad... and now I can't. Even though I know he is sharing them with me spiritually, I'm going to be selfish and say thats not good enough. Some of you might not understand where I'm coming from, and thats ok. No one could fully understand the relationship I had with my daddy unless they got to witness it first hand. There is nothing we couldnt talk about, nothing he wouldnt do for me, nothing we couldnt overcome as a family. I am the person I am today because of him.
Thats where all this emotion comes from. I know these blog entries are depressing... but this is where I let it out. I don't like spilling this to any one particular person because I feel like its my burden. Everyone else has their own problems, how selfish do I have to be to ask someone to stop what they're doing to listen to MY issues. That just doesnt seem fair at all. So I write.
Thank you to all of you who follow my blog and read about my venting and my day to day hardships. Maybe these other people are right... it will get better and it will be ok. I guess only time will tell.
God Bless you all.
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Megan, I can't tell you when it will get easier. It hasn't for me yet. I have a few friends who's parents died years ago and they tell me that it's never easy, but it gets easier. I can't wait for easier to get here! Some days are definitely better than others. Some days I cry uncontrollably.
ReplyDeleteI HATE it when someone tells me that I will be OK or that it will be OK. They have absolutely no idea the turmoil that boils inside me. I am with you on that. I know they're trying to help and are probably right and that they care. But it all sucks.
Don't feel bad for being selfish some days. You have to. You have to grieve when you need to and however you damn well please. I miss my mom every day. I wish I could call her every day. Don't feel bad for wanting that. I don't.
I know our grief is different, but it's similar. I know you will get through this pain just as I know I will. Because that's who our parents raised us to be.
Stay strong and take care of that baby girl!